MICROSOFT'S NEW TV DINNER PRODUCT
Mark Arend (arend@CENTURYINTER.NET)
Thu, 11 Sep 1997 20:33:44 -0500
This was posted on a Library list I subscribe to. Those of you who have had
computer problems will probably enjoy this...
>INSTRUCTIONS FOR MICROSOFT'S NEW TV DINNER PRODUCT
>You must first remove the plastic cover. By doing so you agree to
>accept and honor Microsoft rights to all TV dinners. You may not give
>anyone else a bite of your dinner (which would constitute an
>infringement of Microsoft's rights). You may, however, let others smell
>and look at your dinner and are encouraged to tell them how good it is.
>If you have a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner into the oven. Set
>the oven using these keystrokes: <\mstv.dinn.//08.5min@50%heat// Then
>enter: <ms//start.cook_dindin/yummy\|/yum~yum:-)gohot#cookme. If you
>have a Mac oven, insert the dinner and press start. The oven will set
>itself and cook the dinner.
>If you have a Unix oven, insert the dinner, enter the ingredients of the
>dinner (found on the package label), the weight of the dinner, and the
>desired level of cooking and press start. The oven will calculate the
>time and heat and cook the diner exactly to your specification.
>Be forewarned that Microsoft dinners may crash, in which case your oven
>must be restarted. This is a simple procedure. Remove the dinner from
>the oven and enter <ms.nodamn.good/tryagain\again/again.crap. This
>process may have to be repeated. Try unplugging the microwave and then
>doing a cold reboot. If this doesn't work, contact your hardware vendor.
>Many users have reported that the dinner tray is far too big, larger
>than the dinner itself, having many useless compartments, most of which
>are empty. These are for future menu items. If the tray is too large
>to fit in your oven you will need to upgrade your equipment.
>Dinners are only available from registered outlets, and only the chicken
>variety is currently produced. If you want another variety, call
>MicrosoftHelp and they will explain that you really don't want another
>variety. Microsoft Chicken is all you really need.
>Microsoft has disclosed plans to discontinue all smaller versions of
>their chicken dinners. Future releases will only be in the larger
>family size. Excess chicken may be stored for future use, but must be
>saved only in Microsoft approved packaging.
>Microsoft promises a dessert with every dinner after '98. However, that
>version has yet to be released. Users have permission to get thrilled in
>Microsoft dinners may be incompatible with other dinners in the freezer,
>causing your freezer to self-defrost. This is a feature, not a bug.
>Your freezer probably should have been defrosted anyway.
>Addendum to MS TV Dinner News, from the Chief Technology Officer, MSTVD:
>None of this will be an issue for MS TV Dinner98. A paradigm shift has
>changed the way we think of TV Dinners and Microwaves, and the new MS
>interface to TV dinners now owns the entire Microwave desktop, which
>will be henceforth known as the ActiveMicrowave*. This will allow a wide
>bandwidth for merchandisers and financier markets to gain a new and
>unique foothold on the consumer, providing access and services to every
>user in every home, right next to the julienne sliced carrots, corn
>bread and refried beans. Low-level interfacing with Web TV is now being
>beta tested in a local market of barca-loungers.
>Addendum to MS TV Dinner News:
>In case you were looking for the Manual, Microsoft no longer ships
>manuals with TV dinners. You must now use the Oven Help file which will
>be displayed on your microwave oven's 20-character information screen.
>This is actually much better than having manuals because it will always
>be current and you won't have to find a place to store it. You may,
>however, need to add more memory to your microwave oven, but it will
>work better with more memory anyway. You may also wish to consider
>getting a monitor for your microwave oven so you can read more than 20
>characters of your helpfile at a time, and if you do that you might as
>well get an OvenCam so you can watch your food cook on the monitor.
>That's much easier than trying to see your food cook through all those
>holes in the radiation shield. Your neighbors, who you know to be power
>cookers, probably already have one and are already enjoying their oven
>experiences more than you are.
>Follow up news article:
>MOUNTAIN VIEW, Calif.-Aug. 1, 1997 - Sun Microsystems, Inc. and Netscape
>Communications Corp. (NASDAQ: NSCP) today announced the developer
>release of the Java TV Dinner SDK, a comprehensive set of meal
>components and services designed to simplify preparation of dinner.
>Unlike platform-specific solutions, Java TV Dinner lets developers "cook
>once, eat anywhere."
>"I cooked dinner on my wristwatch and then crawled inside my microwave
>to eat it," said Marc Andreessen, Sr. VP of Technology at Netscape.
>"Damn near busted the door off, but boy, was it ever convenient." Meal
>components include beans, peas, zucchini, nonfat blueberry frozen
>yogurt, penne pasta, and some leftover beef panang. IBM will provide a
>great big huge rare steak with potatoes and gravy and hollandaise sauce,
>and Oracle will provide that icky green stuff that you find inside a
>Services include spoons and knives. Forks will be provided in a future
>version of the product.
Mark W. Arend
Beaver Dam Community Library
311 N. Spring St. Outside of a dog, a book is
Beaver Dam, Wisc. 53916 man's best friend. Inside of
(920) 887-4631 (fax 887-4633) a dog it's too dark to read.
Scoutmaster, Troop 736
Terry Howerton Sakima Group, Inc. SCOUTER Magazine Kansas City