Oliver & Connie Pettit (oliver@FASTLANE.NET)
Fri, 22 Aug 1997 20:15:03 -0500
MEN ARE ROM MARS, WOMEN ARE FROM VENUS
> This is LONG, but very funny
> WOMEN PEAK IN ESTROGEN AND MEN LISTEN IN TESTOSTERONE
> When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her
> girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are Idiots". Then
> she will get on with her life. A man has a little more trouble letting
> Six months after the break-up, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will
> call and say, "I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll
> never forgive you, and I hate you. But I want you to know that there's
> always a chance for us." This is known as the "I Hate You / I Love You"
> drunken phone call, and 99% of all men have made one at least once. There
> are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need;
> alas, these classes rarely prove effective.
> Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year old females can function
> adults. Most 17-year old males are still trading baseball cards and
> each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances
> work out.
> To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just
> chicken-scratch. Women use scented, colored stationary and they dot their
> "i's" with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large oops in their
> "p's" and "g's". It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even
> she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note.
> Let's say a small group of men and women are in a room, watching
> television, and an episode of the Three Stooges comes on. Immediately,
> men will get very excited; they will laugh uproariously, and even try to
> imitate the actions of Curly, man's favorite Stooge. The women will roll
> their eyes and groan and wait it out.
> A man has six items in his bathroom -- a toothbrush, shaving cream,
> a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number
> items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to
> identify most of these items.
> A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the store
> buys these things. A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are
> half a lime and a beer. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything
> that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart
> is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of
> course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.
> When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, then slip
> on Reebok sneakers. She wil carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from
> Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five
> minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are under the
> A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day.
> GOING OUT
> When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to go out.
> a woman says she is ready to go out, it means she WILL be ready to go
> as soon as she finds her earrings, finishes putting on her makeup...
> Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about
> appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite
> foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of
> short people living in the house.
> DRESSING UP
> A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the
> answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for
> weddings, funerals.
> DAVID LETTERMAN
> Men think David Letterman is the funniest man on the face of the Earth.
> Women think he is a mean, semi-dorky guy who always has a bad haircut.
> Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of
> clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight
> years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of
> clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and
> his mountain of clothes to the laundromat. Men always expect to meet
> beautiful women at the laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by re-runs
> old episodes of "Love, American Style."
> When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about "the ceremony". Men
> about "the bachelor party".
> Men wear sensible socks. They wear standard white sweat socks. Women wear
> strange socks. Socks that are cut way below the ankles, that have
> of clouds, that have a big fuzzy ball on the back.
> EATING OUT
> When the check comes, Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack will each throw in $20
> bills, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have anything
> smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When the
> get their check, out come the pocket calculators.
> Men are vain; they will check themselves out in a mirror. Women are
> ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny surface:
> mirrors, spoons, store windows.
> When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated
> emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree
> these changes varies with the individual. Menopause in a man provokes a
> uniform reaction -- he buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and
> leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for a Porsche.
> THE TELEPHONE
> Men see the telephone as a communication tool. They use the telephone to
> send short messages to other people. A woman can visit her girlfriend for
> two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and
> will talk for three hours.
> If a woman is out driving, and she finds herself in unfamiliar
> surroundings, she will stop at a gas station and ask for directions. Men
> consider this to be a sign of weakness. Men wil never stop and ask for
> directions. Men will drive in a circle for hours, all the while saying
> things like, "Looks like I've found a new way to get there." and, "I know
> I'm in the general neighborhood. I recognize that 7-11."
> ADMITTING MISTAKES
> Women will sometimes admit making a mistake. The last man who admitted he
> was wrong was General George Custer.
> RICHARD GERE
> Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way. Men hate
> Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who works at the
> health club and dates only married women.
> Same as above, but reversed. Same reason.
> Little girls love to play with toys. Then when they reach the age of 11
> 12, they lose interest. Men never grow out of their obsession withtoys.
> they get older, their toys simply become more expensive and silly and
> impractical. Examples of men's toys: little miniature TV's, Car phones,
> Complicated juicers and blenders, Graphic equalizers, Small robots that
> serve cocktails on command, Video games. Anything that blinks, beeps, and
> requires at least 6 "D" batteries to operate.
> Men take photography very seriously. They'll shell out $4000 for state of
> the art equipment, and build dark rooms and take photography classes.
> purchase Kodak Instamatics. Of course, women always end up taking better
> Women use garages to park their cars and store their lawnmowers. Men use
> garages for many things. They hang license plates in garages, they watch
> in garages, and they build useless lopsided benches in garages.
> Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene. This
> because every movie in the history of movies has been produced by a man.
> The only actor who has ever appeared nude in the movies is Richard Gere.
> This is another reason why men hate him.
> Women look nice when they wear jewelry. A man can get away with wearing
> ring and that's it. Any more than that and he will look like a lounge
> singer named Vic.
> Men need a good disagreement to get talking, e.g., "Wow, great movie.",
> "What are you, nuts? No REAL cop would have an Uzi that size.", "Well,
> maybe he got it because he knew about those Mafia guys", etc. Women,not
> having this problem, try to initiate conversations with men by saying
> something agreeable "That garden by the roadside looks lovely." "Mmhmm."
> Pause. "That was a good restaurant last night, wasn't it?" "Yeah." Pause.
> And so on.
> Women on a girls' night out talk the whole time. Men on a boys' night out
> say about twenty words all night, most of which are "Pass the Doritos" or
> "Got any more beer?"
> Men use restrooms for purely biological reasons. Women use restrooms has
> social lounges. Men in a restrooms will never speak a word to each other.
> Women who've never met will leave a restroom giggling together like old
Terry Howerton Sakima Group, Inc. SCOUTER Magazine Kansas City