Re: Summer Camp Humor!
Merl Whitebook (MAWLAW@AOL.COM)
Wed, 28 May 1997 20:09:37 -0400
UNIVERSAL LAWS OF CAMP GARLAND '97
1. Any stone in a hiking boot migrates to the point of maximum pressure.
2. The distance to a given camp site remains constant as twilight
2a. When you arrive at your chosen campsite, it is always full.
2b. The sun sets three-and-a-half times faster than normal when you're
trying to set up camp.
3. The number of mosquitoes at any given location is inversely proportional
to the amount of repellent that remains.
4. The probability of diarrhea increases with the square of the poison ivy
content in the local vegetation
5. Members of the opposite sex are only encountered while dealing with
diarrhea mentioned in 4. above.
6. The area of level ground in the campsite tends to vanish as the need to
make camp becomes finite.
7. In a mummy bag the urgency of ones need to urinate is inversely
proportional to the amount of clothing worn. It is also inversely
proportional to the temperature and the degree to which the mummy bag is
8. Waterproof clothing isn't. (However it is 100% effective at containing
9. The width of backpack straps decreases with the distance hiked. To
compensate, the weight of the backpack increases.
9a. The weight of you pack increases in direct proportion to the amount of
food you consume from it. If you run out of food, the pack weight goes on
9b. The weight in a backpack can never remain uniformly distributed.
10. Average temperature increases/decreases inversely with the amount of
10a. If you take your boots off, you'll never get them back on.
11. Tent stakes come only in the quantity "N-1" where N is the number of
stakes necessary to stake down a tent.
12. Water bottles that are full when packed, will unexplainably empty
themselves before you can reach the campsite.
13. Given a chance, matches will find a way to get wet.
13a. Given a chance, everything you meant to keep dry will get wet.
14. Your side of the tent is the side that leaks.
14a. The one rock under your tent will also be under your sleeping bag.
15. All foods assume a uniform taste, texture, and color when freeze-dried.
15 a. Divide the number of servings by two when reading the directions for
16. When reading the instructions of a pump-activated water filter, "hour"
should be substituted for "minute" when reading the average quarts per
17. All tree branches in a forest grow outward from their respective trunks
at exactly the height of your nose.
17a. If you are male, tree branches will also grow at groin height.
18. You will lose the toothpick in your Swiss Army knife as soon as you open
19. Rain. ('nuff said)
19a. Poison Ivy. (see 19)
19b. Snakes (see 19)
20. Enough dirt will get tracked into the tent on the first day out, that
you can grow the food you need for the rest of the trip in rows between your
21. Tents never come apart as easily when your leaving a site as when you're
trying to set up in the first place.
22. No matter where you camp or where you're going its the wrong path
Terry Howerton Sakima Group, Inc. SCOUTER Magazine Kansas City