Virus Alert (NOT!)
Harry Simmons (Harry_Simmons@IBM.NET)
Sun, 22 Dec 1996 14:24:56 -0600
Watch out for the following NYN (Not Your Normal) viruses
...coming soon to a PC near you
PAT BUCHANAN VIRUS:
Your system works fine, but it complains loudly about
COLIN POWELL VIRUS:
Makes its presence known, but doesn't do anything.
Secretly you wish it would.
HILLARY CLINTON VIRUS:
Files disappear, only to reappear mysteriously a year later,
in another directory.
O.J. SIMPSON VIRUS:
You know it's guilty of trashing your system,
but you just can't prove it.
STEVE FORBES VIRUS:
All files are reported as the same size.
PAUL REVERE VIRUS:
This revolutionary virus doesn't horse around.
It warns you of impending hard disk attack:
Once, if by LAN, twice if by C:
POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS:
Never identifies itself as a "virus", but instead refers to
itself as an "electronic micro-organism".
ROSS PEROT VIRUS:
Activates every component of your system,
just before the whole thing quits.
TED TURNER VIRUS:
Colorizes your monochrome monitor.
DAN QUAYLE VIRUS:
Their is sumthing rong with your komputer,
butg ewe cant figyour outt watt!
GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS:
Nothing works, but all of your diagnostic software says
everything is fine.
NEW WORLD ORDER VIRUS:
Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people
really mad just thinking about it.
FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS:
Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units,
each of which does practically nothing, but all of which
claim to be the most important part of your computer.
Sixty percent of the PC's infected will lose 30 percent of
their data 14 percent of the time...
(plus/minus 3.5 percent margin of error!)
Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.
ADAM AND EVE VIRUS:
Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.
The computer locks up, and the screen splits in half,
with the same messge appearing on each side of the screen.
The message says that the blame for the gridlock is
caused by the other side.
AIRLINE LUGGAGE VIRUS;
You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.
Your compter becomes obsessed with marrying it's
Your programs stop every few minutes to ask for $$ money.
Your computer gets fat, slow, and lazy;
only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations
OLLIE NORTH VIRUS:
Causes your printer to become a paper schredder.
Just does it!
HEALTH CARE VIRUS:
Tests your system once a day,
finds nothing wrong,
and sends you a bill for $4,500.00.
JIMMY HOFFA VIRUS:
Your programs can never be found again.
Helps your computer shut down as an act of mercy.
STAR TREK VIRUS:
Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.
Your data won't appear unless you buy new cables,
power supply, a set of shocks, and a service plan.
Merry Chrismas..and a Happy New Scouting Year!!
Harry Simmons (I used to be a Bear!)
Vice President, Administration
Occoneechee Council, B.S.A.
Raleigh, North Carolina
Terry Howerton Sakima Group, Inc. SCOUTER Magazine Kansas City